All right, Readers, it's time for another one of those nitty-gritty
subjects no one likes to talk about, yet all of us have to deal with;
cleaning up after your zombie house pet.
For those of us who've
raised passed familiars as companions (four black cats and a crow,
myself), we know the challenge doesn't end with giving them their
unlife.
Dealing with bloodstains and flesh gobbets are just one of
those challenges. Mere minions can be left in a corner, where they
won't get unsightly stains on the furniture. If they've made too big a
mess rampaging through the local village, you can leave them outside
until either the next rain washes them away or they rot away.
But
your companion means something, is more than a mindless automaton. You
put too much time and too many components into raising one, so they
deserve better than the dank dungeon. It's certainly not their fault if
they slough a little skin every time they jump into your coffin.
Let me tell you how I deal with it.
1 Living Slave If you haven't already read Barlowe's article “You CAN Afford A Slave”,
I suggest you do so and learn the top ten ways a mortal in the house
can really improve your focus on the dark arts. Number two is house
cleaning, and that includes after your beloved. Let them find stray toes
while you curl up with your latest grimoire and pet.
2 Leather Upholstery & Wooden Furniture
Many of us remember our early decors, all black velvet and lace. If you
haven't already made the switch, then follow in my footsteps; wood and
leather. Not only will you no longer look like a broody teen (there's an
intimidating elegance to ebony wing-back chairs), but they are so much
easier to clean and maintain. Ichor wipes right off, leaving no stains
behind.
3 Mummification There are two schools of thought on when to raise your familiars as the undead; right away or after a drying-out process. Barlowe recommends
as fresh a body as possible for the sturdiest minions, and I mostly
agree. Your companion will certainly look more life-like, and might even
fool the unobservant. But I've always found more flesh leads to more
problems; putrescence, sloughing, alopecia. Which is why I recommend
showing a little patience and mummifying them. (To whatever degree
you're comfortable with. If you don't want to remove their insides, dry
them longer.) I've had great success with Belladonna's Desiccation For Beginners.
4 Acceptance
If any pet owner, living or unliving, familiar or mundane, tells you
they're able to keep pet messes 100% under control, they probably have a
pet rock and don't have any real experience with animals. I've made a
lot of attempts to get my lair spotless, but the instant I turn my back,
a stray hair or maggot reappears. The constant vigilance it would
require to clean up every stain, smudge, leftover prey, or glop just
isn't healthy. For you or your pet! So I simply do what I can and accept
the little negatives for the greater positives.
That's pretty
much all there is to it. Four simple ways I handle my undead fur babies.
No magic spells or herbs (after the raising), no tricks or hidden
techniques, nothing the lich one parish over knows that you do not. As
Grammama always said, “If the answer seems too easy, you thought too
hard on the problem.”
May all your graves be fresh,
Missy
Don't
forget: Next week is HemlocKon where I'm running a Nightshade seminar.
For those of you who can't meet me there, I've got a surprise guest post
all lined up, and I'll flood the Facebook group with all the great pics.
Until the next moonrise!
